


Crumbling Down

by closetfascination



Series: Works based on Nobody's Clean (S3E5) [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Body Dysmorphia, Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Missing Scene, Recreational Drug Use, Substance Abuse, body image issues, exercise, steroid use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27768973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetfascination/pseuds/closetfascination
Summary: Jessica had just broken up with Alex and he felt terrible. He started working out with Zach to help him feel better about his body. Luke offered some "help" and things spiralled from there.orThe fic that explains why Alex started using steroids and hanging with Bryce the summer before senior year.
Series: Works based on Nobody's Clean (S3E5) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031436
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	Crumbling Down

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the darkest thing I've written so far, so I figured I'd warn you that this isn't like some of my lighter works. 
> 
> This story centres around depression, body dysmorphia, body image issues and the kinds of negative thoughts one has when depressed. If that doesn't seem like something that is good for you to read right now, maybe pass on this for now.

**_Monday, July 2nd, 2018_ **

Alex stared up at his ceiling. 

If he concentrated hard enough, he started to see different shapes in the stippling. 

He wasn't sure how long he'd been lying on his bed, paralyzed by the depression that seemed to have overtaken him since Jessica broke it off. The initial breakup had been painful. But what hurt Alex more is that Jessica had immediately started seeing Justin. And if that hadn't injured him enough, it was her confession that she just wasn't attracted to him that rocked him to his core. 

He didn't feel like doing much of anything lately. His body felt heavy, as if it took all of his will to do a simple task like sit up. True, his disability made it physically more challenging, but this was a feeling that permeated his entire existence. He wasn't a stranger to it; it wasn't like he hadn't been fighting depression for most of his teenage life. However, knowing that he was depressed didn't actually do anything to make it better. 

If it weren't for having to fulfil his obligation to take his shifts with Tyler and to do his physical therapy with Zach, Alex might have not left his room. He didn't feel much like eating, which was problematic since he was actually trying to gain weight and not lose it. As Alex didn't have a summer job, he ended up taking more shifts with Tyler than others, which was okay because Tyler was his friend. 

He heard his mom push his door open.

"Hey, sweetheart, how you feeling?" His mom asked, sounding concerned. 

"Fine," Alex said flatly from the bed, not moving a muscle.

"Are you going to come down for lunch?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"I'm worried about you. You haven't eaten today."

Alex clasped his stomach.

"Are you getting your stomach pains again?" She came over and sat on the edge of his bed, affectionately running her hand through Alex's hair.

"Yeah," Alex lied. He wasn't, but it was easier to explain not eating if his stomach hurt versus telling her he still didn't feel like eating because he was heartbroken. 

"How about some broth?"

It was clear she was going to fuss over him until he let her take of him. 

"Sure, that sounds nice." Alex forced himself to smile. 

"What are you up to today? Are you ever going to get out of bed? Shower?"

Alex rolled his eyes, his mother's word enough motivation to sit up. 

"Yeah, sorry, I stayed up late last night. I'm meeting Zach at the gym this afternoon. He is going to show me how to lift weights."

"Are you sure you should? You know, because of your stomach pains?"

"Uh, I think the pain is starting to go away?"

His mother smiled knowingly, "Well, I'm glad that cleared up so quickly. Why don't you come down for something to eat now?"

"Fine," Alex begrudgingly agreed. He slowly rose from the bed and followed his mother downstairs still wearing his pyjamas. His mom had made him a veggie sandwich. It was good, but Alex really felt that it needed meat. 

After finishing his sandwich, he went back to his bedroom and stripped off his pyjamas. He looked at his body in the mirror. It was no wonder that Jessica wasn't attracted to him. He was skinny, he always had been. Thin arms and legs and all puberty had done was cause him to stretch out. He was grateful for the fact that he wasn't short. He wasn't 6'3'' like Zach, but he was a respectable height. If only he could have Zach's physique. Zach assured him that if he started lifting with him that he could build muscle too and that he hadn't gained his shape overnight. It was from years of being involved in sports. Alex didn't have years, though. 

On some level, he knew this plan to "get buff" to get Jessica to be attracted to him, dump Justin, and take him back was dumb. It was not much better than the time he told Clay his plan was to annoy Jessica until she took him back. It wasn't logical, but love never was. And it was the only thing that seemed to get him out of bed, these days. 

He considered showering but knew it was pointless to shower before working out with Zach. He didn't feel like going, but Zach insisted that he'd feel better after working out. And he knew from experience he would, even if it was still a struggle to get out of bed.

**Zach (2:01 pm):** i'm here

"See you, Mom, " Alex called over his shoulder as he closed the door behind him, limping his way to Zach's car.

"Hey." Monosyllables were about all Alex could manage in the face of Zach’s optimism.

"Hey." Zach appeared to examine him for a moment before returning his attention to the road. Alex put his seatbelt on, his face stoic as he fixed his gaze straight ahead, as Zach asked, "How you holding up?"

Alex let the question hang in the air for a moment. It was a loaded question. A question he hated because usually when people asked his honest answered would be not fucking great. How was he holding up? He thought about it, and while he hated his life right now, he still wanted to live, so that was a positive. What ended up coming out was biting and sarcastic, "How do you think? Fucking fantastic."

"I know this sucks..." Zach started.

"Do you? Have you ever been dumped by a girl because they didn't find you attractive?" Alex whined, voice edged with anger. 

"No, but we'll get through this."

Alex just rolled his eyes.

"Hey, now that attitude isn't going to get you anywhere! We'll get you lifting and as you grow physically stronger, so will your self-confidence, and you know what women find irresistible? Confidence."

Alex just stared silently out the window. Zach meant well, but he didn't think that there was anything his friend could say that would make him feel better. 

When they arrived, they made their way into the change room of the gym. Starting with his shoes, Alex began to change into his gym clothes, a nondescript grey shirt and black pants. He was making a conscious effort to keep from looking at Zach. Still, he caught glimpses of his friend's body as he changed. Zach was well built, and Alex had always envied his friend's body. He wasn't confident there were any exercises that Zach could give him that would allow him to achieve that sort of figure. Alex figured that genetics were at least partially to blame for his scrawny physique. He took after his mother, who was wiry and slender as opposed to Peter, who took after his father, more athletic and muscular.

The sounds of Zach's voice interrupted his reverie, "Ready?" 

"Uh yeah. As ready as I'll ever be." Alex deadpanned, following Zach to the gym. 

"First, we are going to warm-up by doing a bit of cardio. Your choice- treadmill, bike or elliptical. Five minutes, just to get the blood flowing."

None of those things sounded particularly appealing to Alex. He wondered why they couldn't just skip to the weights. 

"Bike, I guess?"

"Bike it is." 

Zach sat on the bike beside him, and they pedalled at a moderate pace, fast enough that they both started to break a bit of a sweat. After finishing their five minutes, they dismounted, disinfected their bikes and Zach showed him to the squat rack.

"We are going to start with squats. Squats do more than build strength in your legs, they build strength in your core. Lots of guys like to skip leg day, preferring to focus on their arms or abs. Don't be those guys, Alex." 

He proceeded to take off all the plates except for the bar. 

"So for now, just gonna have to do the bar, make sure you have proper form. And then, after a couple of sessions, maybe we'll add a little bit more weight."

Alex scoffed, "I can do more weight than this." 

"Well...let's just see how this goes first," Zach said dismissively. "Oh, don't start yet. Forgot something.." Zach left him to retrieve something. 

While he was gone, Luke Holliday piped up. "Hey, if you want shit to get you started, let me know."

"Okay," Alex nodded, considering the proposition.

"Dude, no shame. Everyone needs help. Come see me later, and don't tell Dempsey." 

"All right, here we go." Zach put a cushion around the bar just behind Alex's neck. "Don't want you to hurt your back."

"Yeah, awesome. Thanks." Alex felt a little bit like Zach was babying him.

Luke no doubt meant steroids as it was no secret that many of the Liberty Tigers were juicing. Feeling the way he did right now, the offer was attractive, and he mulled it over in his head as Zach taught him proper form at the squat bar.

After the squat rack, Zach demonstrated an entire routine targeting his upper body or what Zach called the "vanity zones". Alex was pretty tired by the end of it. Luke's brand of help was looking really attractive. 

While Zach was across the gym putting some free weights away, Alex approached Luke and gave him his number. 

"Text me about that help you suggested." 

Luke smiled.

"No problem, Alex."

Zach brought them to Rosie's for a post-workout meal. He talked about the importance of consuming carbs and protein after working out.

"Now, you might be thinking, 'Zach, aren't milkshakes unhealthy?' But you'd be wrong. Milkshakes actually have a decent balance of carbs and protein, making them an excellent post-workout snack."

Zach ordered a chocolate milkshake for himself and a strawberry milkshake for Alex. Alex had to admit his mood had improved after working out, and the milkshake didn't hurt either. He was pretty sure his conflicted feelings about the milkshake stemmed from them being on some sort of forbidden foods list his mother had. 

"Are you sure you aren't just using your 'perfect post-workout' snack as an excuse to drink a milkshake?” Alex inquired with a smile. 

"No, they legit are a good source of carbs and probably protein." 

"Not that I'm complaining. If this is part of your workout plan, I'm more than happy to oblige." 

"Well, maybe not after every workout, but I thought we should celebrate your first workout." 

Zach smiled warmly at Alex. Alex chuckled. 

"Um Zach, you've been doing PT with me for a while. This isn't exactly our first workout together." 

"Yeah, but I think this is the first time you've asked me. I don't know, I'm just happy we get to spend some time together. Between family stuff and Chloe and you being busy with Tyler, I feel like we haven't had much Zach and Alex time." 

Alex sighed. 

"Yeah, it hasn't been the best summer so far. Not exactly how I imagined things." 

"Yeah, breakups can be rough. But listen, sometimes being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing." 

Alex raised his eyebrows sceptically. "Says the guy who has been friend-zoned by Chloe?" 

It was Zach's turn to sigh. 

"Yeah, well when you put it that way. I'm just saying that being in a relationship isn't the be-all or end-all in life." 

"I think I'm still in the wallowing phase. But thanks for the tips," Alex stated sarcastically. 

Zach, used to his friend's sharp tongue, was not phased by Alex's comment. 

"You’re welcome. Shall I take you home?" 

"Sure." 

Zach drove Alex home.

"So, we cool to meet Monday, Wednesday and Friday?" 

"Yeah, for sure." 

"Cool, see you Wednesday."

"Not Wednesday. Wednesday's July 4th. Friday?"

"Friday it is."

When Alex got into the house, he noticed that Luke had texted him back.

**Luke (4:03 pm):** hey it's luke

 **Alex (5:10 pm)** : so u say u can help

 **Luke (5:13 pm):** yeah meet me tomorrow, at school, at 2 pm

 **Alex (5:15 pm):** see you then

The rest of Alex's evening passed uneventfully. He did feel more positive, like he had something to focus on other than his broken heart. 

* * *

**_Tuesday, July 3rd, 2018_ **

First, while he'd guessed correctly that Luke was offering steroids, he had no idea it would involve needles. As Luke described how to use them, Alex realized he was getting into something he knew little about. His rational side was screaming at him that using steroids was definitely a bad idea. But these sensible thoughts didn't survive contact with the sadness and desperation that clouded his brain. Alex knew it was a bad idea but felt compelled to follow through with it anyway. 

Second, while Luke was willing to give him his first vial for half-price, at two hundred dollars a vial, juicing wasn't cheap. Luke said the first vial would last him a couple of weeks and that he'd connect him with his dealer because he didn't want to be caught selling. 

"Do you want me to help you with your first time?" Luke offered. 

"No, I think I can figure it out." While Alex wasn't entirely sure of what he was doing, he didn't know Luke well enough to feel comfortable exposing his body to him, let alone letting the other boy inject him with something. 

"They clean out the gym lockers at the end of summer, so keep these in your main locker, " Luke explained.

"In summer, I don't have a locker."

"Use the one from last year. They lost the master key, so no searching, no new combos."

"All right, got it. Thanks."

Luke held out his hand to give him a high five. Alex didn't leave him hanging even though he felt super awkward about the whole situation. 

That evening, Alex got out the "gear" that Luke had shown him, and dosed himself in his glute with the amount he'd recommended. It didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. He didn't feel any different, although he suspected that steroids weren't some fast-acting sort of drug. 

He slept soundly for the first time since his breakup.

* * *

**_Tuesday, July 17th, 2018_ **

When he ran out in a couple weeks, he met with Luke and his dealer at the city gym. The dealer looked like a buff used car salesman. 

"Pozzi, this is Alex, Alex - Pozzi."

Pozzi didn't look happy to see him, and addressed him accusingly. 

"You Deputy Standall's son?" 

"Uh yeah," Alex replied.

Pozzi just turned to Luke and whispered loud enough for Alex to hear, "I can't sell to him, he's a fucking cop's son." Then, speaking to Alex, "Nice to meet you. See you later, Luke." 

"Sorry buddy, he says he can't," Luke said sadly.

"I heard. I get it. Thanks for trying," Alex said, but inside he was choked. He didn't even know if it was working yet, but he wasn't ready to stop trying. 

He went home, collapsed onto his bed, and racked his brain as to where he could get more steroids. Then it came to him. The past unofficial provider of steroids for the Liberty Tigers. Monty’s dealer. The name that came to mind repulsed him. At one point in time, Alex had done some horrible things to impress this person. They’d ruined Jessica's life, and despite oscillating between being sad and being angry about his breakup with Jessica, it still felt shitty to need to contact this person. 

_Bryce fucking Walker._

* * *

**_Saturday, July 21st, 2018_ **

No way would he contact Bryce. There is no way he'd stoop to that level. At least, that is what he told himself on Tuesday. But by Saturday, Alex's spiralling inner monologues had convinced him that he had no other option. 

He reassured himself that nobody would have to know. It wasn't like he'd have to hang out with the guy. Alex did a quick search on his phone, and somehow he still had Bryce's number from when he'd briefly been friends with him. 

**Alex (7:05 pm):** do you still sell juice? 

**Bryce(7:07 pm):** aww little Alex looking to bulk up? 

Fucking hell, he'd forgotten what a fucking asshole Bryce was. He gritted his teeth as he composed his text. 

**Alex (7:10 pm):** i wouldn't be asking but the person i was going to buy from found out who my dad is

 **Bryce (7:13 pm):** i'm going to this Hillcrest party tonight, u should come

Alex rolled his eyes. Great, a party his favourite. His luck just kept improving. 

**Alex (7:15 pm):** and you'll have the stuff

 **Bryce (7:19 pm):** for a cop's son you are kind of dumb, just come to the party. 

**Alex (7:20 pm):** fine when should I meet you? 

**Bryce (7:20 pm):** say around 9 pm. See u then Standall. It will be nice to see u

Alex almost wanted to throw up in his mouth. Had he just texted and agreed to meet up with Bryce Walker? Yes, he had. Part of him wanted to abandon this plan, but he felt like two weeks wasn't really long enough to see any results. Alex looked down at his still slim, but slightly muscular biceps. Definitely not long enough.

He went downstairs to ask his dad if he could use his car.

"Hey dad," Alex greeted his father, who was sitting in the living room, drinking a beer. 

"Hey, buddy, what's up?" 

"Can I borrow the car?"

"Where are you off to?" 

"Meeting some friends at a party." 

"Oh, that sounds fun. Which friends?" 

"You remember, Bryce?" 

"Yeah, Walker. You haven't hung out with him in a while." 

Alex ignored his father's commentary, "So can I?" 

"Sure buddy, I'm glad you are getting out."

"Thanks." 

"Don't stay out too late. And if you drink, remember we can pick the car up in the morning." His Dad held out the keys to the car. 

Alex just nodded and took the key from his dad. While he was no stranger to keeping things from his dad, he felt a bit guilty knowing what he was going to the party for. 

The party was at some mansion, which didn't surprise Alex much, given Bryce said it was a Hillcrest kid's party. Hillcrest was an obscenely expensive prep school that only wealthy people could afford to send their kids to. Bryce had once told Alex that his parents had wanted to send him to Hillcrest. Still, since their sports program consisted of cricket instead of baseball, Bryce convinced them to send him to Liberty. Bryce was hoping to get a baseball scholarship even though he didn't need one for the money, he wanted it for the prestige of being selected for a college team.

He walked in and immediately saw a slim boy with dark curly brown hair, hazel eyes in a bright blue sweater and white pants, standing on the staircase. Alex looked around to see if he could see Bryce. 

"You look lost." the boy with dark curly brown hair stated, looking at him curiously. 

"Yeah, I'm looking for Bryce Walker?" 

From off to the side, Alex heard a familiar voice calling to him, "Standall!"

Alex turned in the direction of the voice and watched Bryce jog towards him from another room. 

"Hey, you found the place!" 

"Yep." Alex nodded, standoffish, and puzzled at how friendly Bryce was being.

"What's up, buddy?" 

All Alex thought at that moment was _I'm not your buddy,_ but instead of being snarky, he replied somewhat blandly with, "Nothing." 

Bryce didn't seem phased by Alex's lack of enthusiasm. 

"Come on in, take a seat, have a drink."

Alex started to feel a bit irritated at how long this was taking. 

"I'm not here to party, you said you had the stuff?"

"The juice? Yeah and for half the price that towny gym rat charges."

Alex was shocked at how brazenly open Bryce was. He glared at Bryce and exclaimed, "Dude!"

"Relax, man. No one cares here. There's a dude selling coke out back."

"Okay. Can we just..." Alex's voice trailed off. He just wanted to get out of here. He fucking hated parties.

"Yeah, the stuff is in the car."

They made their way to Bryce's vehicle, which was parked a little way down the long driveway of the mansion. 

"Okay… what is it, $100?" 

"Yep," Bryce answers, holding the vial of juice. 

While they were finishing up a drunken, Montgomery De La Cruz approached them. If there was anyone that Alex hated as much as or more than Bryce Walker, it was Monty De La Cruz. At that moment, he was really questioning the life choices that had brought him to this party. Alex could hear Monty call out to Bryce, but they continued to finish up their transaction. He used his phone to transfer Bryce the money, and Bryce handed him the stuff, when suddenly, Monty appeared to be beating up the kid in the bright blue sweater that he'd met earlier.

Bryce called out, "Monty! Hey! Get off of him, man!" 

He ran towards Monty to help pull him off with the help of another guy that was at the party. Monty overpowered them and went after the curly-haired boy again, ruthlessly punching him in the jaw. The boy fell back against the stairs, blood trickling down his chin from the corner of his mouth. After Bryce and the other guy got Monty pulled off, Bryce brought Monty to his car to cool down. Alex wanted to take off, but he also wanted to see if the boy was okay. He'd been beaten by Monty before and knew what it was like. He went with Bryce to talk to him. 

Alex asked gently, "Why'd he go after you?"

"No idea. Never seen him before," the brown-haired boy replied. 

"No one called the cops, no one has to. Here's $2,000. I can get you three more tomorrow." The kid just stared at Bryce, like two thousand dollars wasn't going to cut it. Bryce continued, "Look, man, I'm sorry. He's... fucked up. He gets, like, beat at home and shit."

"$5,000 more tomorrow," the boy demanded, bloodied face stony.

"All right, "Bryce said, handing over the money. "Pleasure doing business with you." 

The beaten boy scoffed and avoided making eye contact with Bryce.

Alex followed Bryce as he walked back to his car and asked, "Hey, you sure that you're okay to drive?

"Oh, Alex, I'm touched you care! Yeah, I'm all good," Bryce reassured Alex. 

Monty was visibly upset. 

"He's gonna fucking talk. He'll just take the money and talk." 

Alex thought it was a bit weird that Monty cared if people talked about him beating someone up. He never seemed to care much about something like that in the past. 

"I'll take care of it, Monty. Don't I always?" Bryce looked over at his friend before addressing Alex again. "Pleasure doing business with you, too. See you in a couple of weeks."

"Yeah. Yeah, you will, " Alex reluctantly agreed, and started to walk back towards the kid Monty beat up, who was still sitting on the steps. He turned when he heard Bryce back into another vehicle before pulling away. They both watched as Bryce's vehicle pulled away, their faces illuminated by his headlights.

"Your friends are messed up," the brown-haired boy noted.

"Yeah, they're super messed up, "Alex agreed, frowning. "Also, they're not my friends. I'm Alex."

"Winston. I'd say it is a pleasure to meet you, but under the circumstances." He winced in pain as he smirked.

Alex wanted to get home. "Look, I gotta get out of here."

"Yeah, cool. Uh, it was nice meeting you, Alex."

"Yeah, you too."

Alex made his way home. What a weird night, he thought, but a small price to pay to get what he needed to bulk up a bit. At least that is what Alex told himself as he fingered the vial he'd acquired that night from Bryce. 

Alex struggled to sleep when he got home from the party. He was aimlessly scrolling through Instagram, hoping that it would make him sleepy but it didn't seem to be working. He put the phone back on his nightstand and lay in the dark, hoping sleep would eventually come. His mind wandered, and that usually wasn't a good thing. 

He remembered something he read about Buddhists believing that a wandering mind was a cause of suffering. Well, Buddhists were definitely right about that one. He couldn't remember much more, but he was sure he wasn't currently living in any way that was leading towards enlightenment. Still, he was determined to stay the course. 

Alex knew his stubbornness could both be a blessing and a curse. Lately, it felt more like a curse. His choices in the moment seemed good; they usually resulted in more self-loathing. He sometimes wondered, in the dark of the night, if he could hate himself more than he did at the moment and the answer was always yes. Things could always be worse. 

His thoughts wandered to looking forward to his next workout session with Zach. He had quickly become obsessed with working out. It was something that he could focus on outside himself that produced tangible results. He'd never enjoyed PT, although he accepted it as a necessary evil to regain his mobility. But since he started lifting, he felt so much stronger physically than he'd ever felt before and that was addictive. He was sure the steroids helped, and even Zach commented on how fast he was making progress. 

Even just two weeks in, he wanted more. Alex asked Zach about working out five days a week instead of only three days, which Zach agreed to and helped him restructure the workouts such that he would be able to take rest days on weekends. Zach said he was on his own during those extra days as he was also helping Justin - unless he wanted to work out with him and Justin. Alex didn't. He even asked when they'd be working out together so that he could avoid any chance encounters with Justin. It was just too awkward, given that he was seeing Jess. Even just thinking of Jessica and Justin caused the anger that lay in a thin dormancy to bubble beneath the surface. Rage, or rather a shorter than usual fuse, was a side effect of the steroids. He'd been prepared for that one, but even still, Alex had never had a very long fuse to begin, and his TBI made it harder to manage his anger to begin with. 

He fussed over his nutrition in ways he never had before. His mom was thrilled about this, not knowing that it potentially came from a dangerous obsessive place. She bought him all the supplements that he asked for. Noticing an opportunity to take advantage of his mother's enthusiasm that he was, in her words, 'taking better care of himself', Alex lied when he said he needed new workout clothes. She happily gave him some money to buy some. He felt guilty lying to her, but that was the only way he could get the money for the next round of steroids as he wasn't working a part-time job like many of his friends. 

Although he hated admitting it to himself, Alex didn't like that he was using steroids. In some ways, they made him feel lesser, like he needed them because he'd never be able to do what he was doing on his own. He hated that his skin was breaking out and that he was oddly horny all the time with no outlet for release. Well, not no outlet, but he was starting to wonder if you could masturbate too much. And he wasn't sure if he was more horny than usual or not because he'd had a healthy libido before he'd started using. 

These were the thoughts that ran through his mind night after night. And they always ended in him feeling less than good about himself. He was in a dark place. He knew enough about being in bad places mentally that he recognized that things weren't good, but what could he actually do about it? He'd tried thought-stopping and meditation, but the more he failed at these strategies, the more he beat himself up. 

Not to mention, he really didn't have anyone to talk to. Tyler had his own shit going on. He spent a lot of time with Tyler, but couldn't burden him with these thoughts because Tyler wasn't in a good place either. Better than he was when they'd stopped him from shooting up the school, but not good. 

Things were so messed up. Occasionally, he'd spend time with Clay and Ani. Still, he didn't feel comfortable unloading on Clay and didn't know Ani well enough to be vulnerable with her in that way with her. Lately, he only saw Zach when he worked out, and they were surrounded by sweaty grunting jocks. Not exactly the kind of place you open up to someone in. He felt pretty lonely and isolated. 

Eventually, a light and restless sort of sleep took him. Alex awoke wondering whether he'd slept at all. 

* * *

**_Saturday, August 4th, 2018_ **

Two weeks had passed since meeting Bryce at the party for the steroids. Two weeks since watching Monty beat the shit of Winston. Which meant he needed more juice. Alex texted Bryce, and he invited him over to _hang out,_ explaining that for Alex to continue to get the Friends and Family discount, he would need to be friendly with him.

That night, for their 'hang out', they played video games in Bryce's pool house. It was pretty much the only thing he'd ever enjoyed doing at Bryce's, and since he wasn't allowed to play first-person shooter games at home, it was pretty fun. He hated to admit that he had fun hanging out with Bryce Walker. As much as he was angry at Jessica, he still loathed that he was spending time with her rapist. She'd feel so betrayed if she ever knew. Surely that would wreck his chances of getting back together with her. Not that it mattered since she wasn't talking to him. 

It was a welcome respite from the routine of scheduled supervision of Tyler and being alone wallowing in his thoughts of not being good enough for Jessica. The only other thing that had worked equally well to get his mind off the bad stuff was his regular workouts, and he couldn't exercise more than he already was. 

* * *

**_Saturday, August 18th, 2018_ **

By the next time Alex needed to score, Bryce was greeting him like an old friend. 

"Alex, buddy, come in."

Bryce led him into the study and didn't offer video games this time. Instead, he casually poured out a small baggie of cocaine onto a desk and started cutting lines. Alex looked around, nervous that they would be discovered.

"Relax, man. The nurse has the night off. Mom's out. Grandpa's senile. It's just you and me." Bryce took the rolled-up hundred dollar bill and snorted a line like it was nothing.

Alex was curious. He'd never really been the ‘just say no to drugs’ type. In fact, he used drugs fairly opportunistically, rarely seeking them out himself but often using them if they were available. Even his steroid use had started from an unexpected offer. 

"Does it hurt?" 

The anxiety inside him was building. He could tell that if Bryce offered, he'd likely say yes and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. It was like his dopamine starved brain had already made up its mind, and the rational part of him was crying in a small voice that it was a bad idea, but to no avail. 

"Find out." 

Bryce held out the rolled hundred dollar bill to Alex, and he accepted, sitting himself down in front of the line that Bryce had cut.

"You gotta commit, though. Do the whole line."

Alex took a deep breath, pushing the small, rational voice down, locking it away temporarily as he closed one nostril with one finger and snorted the fine white powder.

"Okay. Holy shit! That fucking hurts." 

"Give it a few minutes."

Almost immediately, there was a chemical taste in the back of Alex's mouth. A few minutes later, any pain he'd initially felt in his nose was gone, and his nose and throat felt numb. Then the high hit. He felt more alert, happier and more confident than he'd felt in who knows how long, perhaps ever. He could see how people got addicted to it.

"Oh...We got to get you laid, man. That's the key here."

"I'm good." Alex lied. It was instinct to lie to Bryce.

"No, you're not."

"No, I'm not. It's not like there's anything I can do about it."

"Ah, but there is." 

Bryce wouldn't tell him what it was they could do about it, only that he'd arrange it.

* * *

**_Sunday, August 19th, 2018_ **

The next day, Alex found himself sitting with Bryce waiting to visit Melody, an escort who only took clients at her house. He'd bought steroids from Bryce precisely three times, and now he was hanging out with Bryce on a day he didn't need to purchase steroids. Not only that, Bryce wouldn't let him pay for Melody. Alex was nervous, even though they'd each snorted a line of coke before going in. Bryce said it would only enhance the pleasure of sex, but even through the high, Alex was once again questioning his life choices. 

"This is a terrible idea."

"Dude, it's her job to make you feel better about yourself. When was the last time you got laid?"

"Like months ago." But to Alex, it seemed like longer than that in some ways. His last memory of having sex wasn't great as Jessica broke it off basically right after they'd finished. 

"Porn and j.o. since right?"

"Multiple times a day some days." 

He'd always had a healthy sex drive, but he swore since starting to use steroids his libido was through the roof and with no adequate outlet.

Alex zoned out a bit as Bryce regaled him with the tale of why he needed Melody. He couldn't help but shake his head, and he hoped Bryce didn't notice. Alex figured Bryce deserved to be left untouched, for what he did to Hannah and then to Jessica and who knows how many other girls. If he was supposed to feel bad that Bryce needed to pay for sex now, he didn't. Which made Alex ask himself again what he was doing there? Was he as pathetic as Bryce? A rapist?

Melody called him in. She was beautiful, perfectly styled long blond hair, dressed in a burgundy dress, with a keyhole that exposed just enough cleavage to be sexy. She was kind and attentive to him, and that in itself felt nice to Alex. But the sex was awkward. Sex had always been awkward, even with Jessica, so he wasn't really surprised that she hadn't enjoyed it. Wanting sex wasn't the problem nor was getting aroused, but when it came down to actually doing it, Alex couldn't get out of his head. It felt so weird to him to be sharing something this intimate with a stranger. While sex was sometimes awkward with Jessica, at least they knew each other really well. 

At first, he moved too fast, and Melody asked him to slow down. He tried to slow things down by asking her to kiss, but even that felt weird. He remembered her asking him to talk dirty to her which he refused, at least until he climaxed and called her "a fucking bitch". Alex didn't know where those words came from. Melody hadn't treated him in a way that would warrant calling her that. He felt terrible for saying it.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," Alex apologized. 

Melody smiled slightly and chucked, "I've been called worse. It's fine."

"No, I shouldn't have called you that."

"Forgiven. If you ever want to come back..." She gave him her card so he could book future services if he liked. He didn't think he would ever use it though.

"How was it?" Bryce asked, holding his fist up for Alex to bump it. 

"Fine," Alex said quietly, reluctantly returning the fist bump. He felt weird saying anything to Bryce. The guy he used to lie to about his sexual experience to fit it. Hanging out with Bryce made him feel small again like he did when they used to hang out in his sophomore year. For whatever reason, he'd fallen back into the trap of trying to impress Bryce. He told himself it was just to get the discount, but it felt like more. It was hard for Alex to parse through how scrambled he felt on the inside right now, with the high of the cocaine combined with the post-sex afterglow. By the time Bryce dropped him off at home, his high was wearing off. It was surprising how short-lived it was. 

Coming down off cocaine was rough, but not unexpected. He could hear the late Jeff Atkins saying to them while they were recovering from a night of doing Molly, "You've gotta handle the lows if you wanna chase the highs." But if he was honest with himself, he'd rather just be high without having to experience the low that followed. At least he didn't feel suicidal in his post-cocaine depression. He considered that some kind of progress, as sad as it was. But his emotions were fucked up. Simply recalling Jeff's words caused him to start weeping out of seemingly nowhere. 

* * *

**_Monday, August 27th, 2018_ **

**Bryce (7:18 pm):** busy tonight?

This was the first time Bryce had contacted Alex. Usually, their 'hang outs' were initiated by Alex needing more steroids. It had been just over a week since he'd last hung out with Bryce. 

Alex almost wanted to ask him if he had other friends, but honestly, he wasn't doing anything. 

**Alex (7:20 pm):** nope

 **Bryce (7:21 pm):** wanna hang?

 **Bryce (7:30 pm):** sure

 **Bryce (7:31 pm):** pick you up at 9 pm

And that is how Alex went from obligatory hang sessions whenever he needed to score, to doing something on a Monday night with Bryce with no other reason than to hang out with Bryce. Okay, maybe not no other reason. Cocaine could be another reason. His emotional brain was hoping for another excuse to get high. But Alex wasn't ready to admit that to himself. At least not yet. His rational brain refused.

Bryce picked him up at his house at 9pm as promised. Alex bought some more steroids from Bryce anyways, to reduce the amount they'd need to hang out. They parked in front of some mansion and Bryce grabbed a CD case, which Alex found weird because who even has those anymore, and dumped a baggie of cocaine out on it, cutting them lines. As Bryce snorted lines, Alex told him about how he'd spent every night the past week with Melody. 

He wasn't sure what compelled him to lie to Bryce. Perhaps he was trying to impress him like he always was. Bryce passed him the CD case. This was the third time in two weeks he was getting high with Bryce. He shoved aside the slightly anxious feeling that accompanied doing something he knew wasn't a good idea and snorted the line that Bryce offered him. He was now familiar enough with the feeling that he knew the anxiety wouldn't survive contact with the rush of dopamine that would arrive at his synapses in a few minutes. 

What happened after that, Alex came to regret far more than hanging out with Bryce or doing cocaine. Despite his misgivings about Bryce's plan to vandalize his father's new house, Alex tagged along. He quickly found a samurai sword and played with it rather than destroying anything. He was riding a lovely high, doing some sweet samurai moves when a young child walked out to find him and Bryce. Bryce had told him the house was empty, and as far Alex knew Bryce did not have a little brother. But instead of making things better, Bryce threatened the child and the child wet himself. Alex tried to smooth things over with the kid, but it was too late. They hightailed it out of there, and Bryce pulled them into an empty parking lot, got out of the car and puked. 

"You're a horrible person." Alex had known this when he started this madness of hanging out with Bryce, but he rationalized it. _It is just to get a discount on the steroids. Bryce is being nice to me. Maybe he has changed._ He told himself any number of lies to make himself feel better about everything he'd been doing lately. And Alex hadn't just been lying to himself. He'd been lying to everyone. His mother. Zach. Tyler. And even Bryce. His guilt over this felt heavy and quickly morphed into anger. 

Bryce didn't disagree with him. 

"Yeah, pretty much."

"That kid is scarred for life because of us." He would never forgive himself for this night.

"Alex. Baby, we're all scarred for life. Check your fucking head." That might have been a low blow, to reference his failed suicide attempted, but Bryce wasn't wrong. He was scarred before he pulled the trigger, he'd just managed to scramble things up more. 

"I don't ever want to see you again." 

"What? Alex, come on. Come back! Alex. Where you going to get your shit from, sweetheart? Only friends and family get the discount."

He walked home that night, and by the time he made it home his left leg ached. In some ways, Alex was grateful that he'd discovered that Bryce really was the same horrible person that he'd been before. He wasn't going to waste any more time hanging out with him. But as he walked home, Bryce's question nagged at the back of his mind: Where was he going to get his shit from?

Maybe it was easier just to quit. It would mean the almost eight weeks would have been for nothing, as Alex wasn't even close to where he wanted to be physically, although he had been able to stop using his cane. The guilt from what he'd done with Bryce crept in, and he resolved to quit the steroids after he ran out and that wouldn't be for another three weeks. No more drugs. No more lies.

* * *

**_Wednesday, August 29th, 2018_ **

By Wednesday, Alex was feeling pretty sorry for himself. He was pretty sure it was part of the depression he felt after coming down off the cocaine. He wasn't sure why, but he contacted Melody and asked to meet her. This time he was paying out of his own pocket. They started to get ready to have sex when Alex found himself shirtless and frozen sitting at the end of the bed. Melody came and sat beside him and just held him as he cried. As she held him, he realized he missed Jessica as a friend more than anything.

Bryce was never his friend.

Everything was so messed up. 

* * *

**_Wednesday, September 12th, 2018_ **

By the time he was close to needing more, his resolve to quit steroids had waned. He hated that he was contacting Bryce again, but what choice did he have? He'd already rationalized that he wasn't quitting, at least not yet.

**Alex (2:03 pm):** How much?

 **Bryce (2:06 pm):** awww sweetheart you need some more shit?

 **Alex (2:07 pm ):** how much?

 **Bryce (2:08 pm):** $200

 **Alex (2:09 pm):** can u meet tonight?

 **Bryce (2:10 pm):** sorry sweetheart, i'm busy. tomorrow?

 **Alex (2:10 pm):** sure

* * *

**_Thursday, September 13th, 2018_ **

They met after school for the transaction and exchanged very few words. It was just business now. Like it should have been from the start. What started as a shortcut to bulking up, a faster way to change the body he loathed to one that women would be attracted to, had become something he needed. Alex hated that he needed it. He'd replaced a cane with needles and vials of testosterone cypionate.

One crutch for another.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to de_la_cruz87 for beta reading this and providing your invaluable feedback.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think of this little one-shot. 
> 
> I have one more one-shot from Winston's perspective drafted for this series centred around Nobody's Clean so stay tuned for that.


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